Tuesday, August 24, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3.....Something you need to forgive yourself for.

There are many things I feel I need to forgive myself for, mostly little things. I tend to feel guilty for far too long over little things that I need not feel guilty for at all. I often find myself saying things and thinking back over them later and wincing because I'm positive I've offended someone. Then if I bring it up to them, they've forgotten I ever said anything.
The biggest thing I blame myself for though is my current situation. I'm living with family because I am unable to support myself and my son without their help. Partially this is because I don't have a college education so I am really only qualified for lower paying jobs, partially this is due to the fact that my fiance is currently in prison. Either way, I feel like it's all my fault. Well, not his being in prison, that's a combination of mistakes he made in the past, mistakes he made recently (which totally do not warrant 5 years in prison) and unfounded accusations made by my mother.
One of the biggest reasons I blame myself is that I had a job, and I quit. I worked in a bookstore for almost 5 years and I really enjoyed it. The pay was crap and they cut my hours often, but it was a job. I quit because they kept giving me more and more responsibility but refused to give me the title or pay to compensate for that. I often feel like things would be drastically different if I hadn't quit my job. And now I'm having no luck trying to find a new job. Though I will be starting school next month so at least I'm moving in the right direction. It's still hard and I think in some ways, I'll always blame myself.

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